


The Things I'll Never Say

by MarmeLady_Orange



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Between Seasons/Series, Declarations Of Love, Diary/Journal, Drunken Confessions, Fluff, Internal Conflict, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Post Season 09, Questioning, Secrets, Series Spoilers, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-18 17:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1436851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarmeLady_Orange/pseuds/MarmeLady_Orange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything's back to normal, both in Heaven and Hell. But in the bunker, nothing's normal. Sam's still pissed at Dean, human-again Cas is split between both brothers and Dean's mind is bubbling with all sorts of ideas and feelings that not everyone would want to hear about. </p>
<p>But thanks to his brother's sarcastic dismissal, some (a lot of) booze and a blank notebook, Dean is finally able to let it all out before it eats him alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things I'll Never Say

**Author's Note:**

> While my other (unfinished) story is stewing in its own juices, I decided to go ahead with this other idea. Actually, I've been writing this over the last days, a little bit every night before going to bed. Just a whole lot of questioning and I kinda find it funny. Felt like publishing it.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you'll like it.

_**AUGUST 13TH 2014** _

Not sure how to start, or where to start. I still think this is a big waste of time and I don't see the day where my mind will change. Me, Dean fucking Winchester, reduced to writing a stupid diary. Not that he'll ever know about it, but the diary thing, it's all Sam's idea. You see, he's still pretty pissed at me. Even now. Everything's pretty much back to normal, Heaven's up and running again and Hell's too busy with their own little civil war to bother with us. But Sam's still hung up on the Gadreel thing. Like, a lot.

We work together, and we're still awesome at it, but when we're done it's like he just clocks out. Then he goes out or just spends the evening in his bedroom. So I do the same, basically. And then there's Cas who's stuck between us two, mojo-less again, trying to be a best friend to both Sam and me. And I really kind of hate it. I know I sound like a little bitch when I say this but I would expect the guy to be on my side, you know? Aren't we supposed to have a profound bond or some shit?

I tried to talk to Sammy, because I want us to go back to what we were, or whatever. But he won't even listen to me. Every time we just end up yelling at each other. The last time I tried, that's when Sam told me that he didn't wanna hear anything from me. _"Why don't you just write it down instead."_ he said. I know he was being sarcastic but the idea kinda stuck. So now I'm writing because I can't speak to anyone about all the shit that's going around in my mind.

Wish I could talk to Cas instead, but that's not an option either. And not because I don't think he'd keep what I’d say to himself, he's not an asshole. It's mostly because he's pretty much my biggest problem right now. And even if I don't like to talk feelings and crap, Sam’s still always been my buffer, the wall on which I bounce my ball. A couple of beers in and we'd be deep in a conversation about girls… or stuff.

It's not like I don't know what he's thinking. He did throw some Cas related wisdom at me during our last screaming match. Wisdom might be a strong word for it though. It was more like a bunch of not so subtle jibs about the fact that I obviously like the guy and should do something about it already. That only made me more angry at him. He's supposed to know me. How does he not realise that if it were the case, I'd be freaking the hell out about it?

Because I fucking am. Freaking the hell out. And I’m confused as shit. And I gotta sort it all out on my own and I honestly don't think it's the best thing to be doing. Actually, I think I'd rather talk to Charlie about it all but she's fucking gone to Oz. Then, there's Sam who won't sit in the same room as me. Now what? Even if I wasn't confused about Cas, he certainly wouldn't be the best person to talk about feelings, would he? That's why I'm trying the writing thing.

Feelings. Ain't that the shit. I don't even know if it's a feeling thing I'm confused about. That whole Cain business has messed me up but I think it's been there for long before. It's just very strange to me. It's like my heart, my body and my brain can't get on the same page. Things are happening to me that I never thought would be possible. Never in my life, I can honestly say this, have I ever wanted to be with a guy. Like, ever. I'm not blind, I can see beauty and never felt ashamed to notice that a man looked nice. But to the extent of wanting to jump him? Not ever.

And honestly, it wasn't the case for Cas either. Not at first anyways. He's a dude, I dig the ladies. But then we became friends. Then best friends. And yeah, I might say the guy's like family to me but I swear I never fantasized about my brother the way I do about him. And that's probably the freakiest thing to have ever happened to me. I fucking dreamed about Cas. Naked. Boners touching and all. I don't even know how I can dream about that shit. But there it was. Probably not as realistic as it should be but it's not like I know what it feels like to kiss a dude. With stubble. Having another guy’s dick in my hand, or a fucking dick in my mouth. How the hell can I dream about that shit?

I hate that I have these images and sensations in my mind because I never wanted them. But now I'm also kind of curious to know if I was even close to the truth while imagining it. If at least it was just a basic bi-curiosity thing. I could just go in a bar and try to find a guy to make out with, you know? And to be perfectly honest, the last times I went out, I kinda checked the guys out instead of the girls. Discreetly of course, but I needed to know. I still do. And no guys, as handsome as they were, were interesting to me. I tried talking to a couple of them and it didn't do anything for me. All I could think was that they weren't as cute, or as clever, or as awesome as Cas.

So clearly, for me anyways, it's Cas that's special. But I kind of always knew that. Hell, the guy's an angel after all. Well, he was an angel. And now he isn't and that's partly my fault. He says he's ok with it. I don't know if I should believe him or not but there's nothing we can really do at this point. So yeah, Cas is special. He's my best friend, my other brother… but then, my body reacts in a whole different way. I've had semis more than once around him. And yeah, whatever I chose to tell myself when it happened, it was because of him.

I don't know anymore why exactly they happened, but they did. Let's just say that he was there, that seemed to have been reason enough. I could have put it all in the back of my mind, but then came the sex dreams, and now there’s the fantasies where he’s starring more and more. Frankly, I'm relieved the guy's not an angel anymore only because I've been calling out his name a whole lot in the last months.

I can't believe I'm writing this down. I swear I'm salting and burning this shit when I'm done.

So yeah. My body seems to want Cas. My heart, well, I think it's just confused about it all. If it's true love, if it's the thing they write songs and books about, then I had never felt it before. Because at some point, I swear I thought I did. With Cassie. Then with Lisa. But then came Cas and it's so different and so much stronger, it's something I have never felt and I don't know what it could be if it's not love with a capital L. What else is there, honestly?

Writing shit seems to be worth something at least, much easier to say stuff. Especially when you know nobody's gonna read it.

As I was saying… my body wants Cas. My heart seems to love Cas. I know that my head's the real problem. I can find all the excuses in the book to argue that he should never know about me liking him. And my head's a strong one. First, the guy obviously likes chicks. He clearly had a thing for Meg, then he had his wife when he was Emmanuel, then he boned that reaper girl then he had a thing for his boss lady. I kinda see a pattern here, you know? And it's not because I seem to be able to bend the rules for him that it'd be the same for him. We can’t all be as fucked-up as I am, right?

Second, if I was to come on to him and he freaked out, we might lose him forever. Well, I might lose him forever. He would probably stay friends with Sam. They do have a lot in common. Then they’d have the not talking to me thing to share as well. I can only imagine those two fuckers eating salad and drinking tea and bad mouthing me and saying how much of a screw-up I always was. And how I’ve ruined both their lives. And I certainly couldn’t blame them, you know?

Third, who says that once I _taste_  I won't realise I was wrong? Worse, let's say he wants me and I change my mind and I hurt him? He might be older than the Earth, but he's still very young and impressionable when it comes to love and sex and shit. Cas has a big virgin heart and I don't want to be the one who's gonna break it because I’m not man enough for him.

I wonder if it's possible to be in love with someone without wanting to have sex with them. Well, I think I do, but at the same time I kind of don't. I have spent over thirty years avoiding all butt activities so I'm kind of not excited to be considering it now. Even with Cas. But I admit, I've watched some gay porn lately and, well, it just looked like sex. And they did seem to really enjoy it. Still, I haven't been curious enough. Yet.

Ok, maybe I tried exploring with one finger but it was fucking weird, alright?

Stupid journal, you'll be burning in hell.

Anyways, that's where I am. My heart and my body are pretty much agreeing about Cas being awesome and fucking beautiful and fuckable or something. But my head's the big party pooper. I kinda lost Sam in some way, I can't afford to lose Cas too. I find him distant enough as it is. I'm certain that if I open my big fat mouth he'll just leave and if I ever hear from him it'll be through Sam. I can't even go out and find myself some cute girl to bang I'm so gone. I've realised this too while I was looking to test myself with some random dude. Random chicks won't do the trick either. It had been pretty clear with that Casa Erotica girl. I can do the deed, but enjoying it is not a guarantee.

I sound like an idiot. I love sex, I don't see how I'm not gonna be getting any, like, ever again. That would be unheard of. It's one thing to be wanting one person but, when you know you can't, you should be able to move on, right? Like hell I'm gonna let myself become some fucking cat lady. I hate cats. But Cas loves them. We could have one maybe. I heard there were hypoallergenic ones now. He'd love that.

This diary thing is shit, it's not helping at all. I'm not better. I don't know what I should be doing. I need someone that'll talk to me. I'll ask questions and then they'll answer. Like do they think Cas likes me? Would he be freaked out that I like him? Am I wrong when I say that I think I love him? Could I be gay for him only? What if I can't have sex? What if I lose him? Why is this happening to me? Wasn’t my life shit enough?

 

**_AUGUST 18TH 2014_ **

For the first time, I guess I can thank my dad’s alcoholic genes. And my brother’s sarcastic diary-idea giving.

I’m not gonna be burning the journal after all. Not now anyways. Because Cas asked me not to.

Actually, he asked that I wrote once more in it (while sober that is) and then give it to him. He wants me to write about my feelings again, but this time with me knowing that he loves me too.

Which is girly as hell. I’m only doing this because you asked me Cas. But know that I fucking hate it.

So yeah. I kinda fell asleep writing the other day. Then Cas found me drooling on the book. And Cas being Cas, well he just picked it up and started reading. Anyone else would have left it alone. If not, they knew I would have kicked their ass. But not Cas. Because it’s always been that way, he could always pretty much get in my shit and I never cared.

Nobody else but him. Ever.

This is how many questions were answered. And you know what? Maybe it’s possible to love someone and not want to sleep with them. But we both discovered that that’s not us, far from it. And the butt thing? Not as bad as I thought, and that’s all I’m saying. Since this will not be burned to a crisp, there will not be any details on how either of us came to know whatever it is that we like to do.

I’ll just say that we had sex, and we’ll be having lots more, and it’s awesome. And yeah, I love the guy, that much I know. Otherwise I need to get to a hospital pronto because something’s fucking wrong with me.

And I got loads of other questions, Cas does as well, more than I do I’m sure. But I guess we’ll answer them along the way.

I’m just glad I didn’t lose you, Cas. I couldn’t handle it if I did.

Love you Angel.

 

P.S.: Happy now? Now you better hide that shit somewhere deep, you hear? If I find it, it means it’s not hidden well enough. I see it, I burn it! And I’m not even joking! This is for your eyes only!

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd… not copyrighted… not mine… well… actually, a little bit mine…


End file.
